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perfect79
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15th-Nov-2017 11:08 am - A N3W
illustration, girls, art, pretty
Haha wow...
Where do I even begin?

It's 4 and half years later and here I am posting again...

I thought it would be a long time, but now I look back at how recent my previous dilemmas seem.
I'm surprised at myself - and my writing...How was I so self-aware, so in tune? Even then, I had a better vocabulary then I do now...

Anyway - an update
I live in Los Angeles now and I graduated from art school.
I'm working on something that hopefully will change my life for the way that I want it to become - but who knows - maybe it could be something completely else. It's strange - it's strange to know how pure I used to be - in mind and in thought. There was nothing that was weighing me down - if I wrote, I wrote...but now here I am...with unending ambition and desire and nothing coming from it.

Really funny. Real great irony.

And it's real funny how even 4 and a half years ago - I knew I would never like a place like Los Angeles.

I'm 23 and on the verge of 24 and I feel so confused about my life and the direction that it's heading. I'm not trying to be cheesy or whatever...and there's a part of me that kind of now - hates journaling. I hate the feeling of being a trapped mind in a woman's body...There's a huge gap since I last wrote...And I'm not sure if I want to write when I can't write eloquently or when I can't write with a real mastery of language...I don't know here it goes...

My next post - we'll be catching up... 
20th-Jul-2012 07:20 pm(no subject)
illustration, girls, art, pretty

Today I feel closer to god and am so blessed <3
I had a conflict with a family member today that upset me quite a lot, but His love consoled me and gave me strength :)
And it is the best feeling to know that I can trust in him.
I couldnt be more thankful for the beautiful life he has given me.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPad.

25th-Apr-2012 04:52 pm(no subject)
illustration, girls, art, pretty
 My aunts who have graduated from Harvard, UCLA, and Columbia all support my decision to go to UO.  That makes me happy, I know it's not a prestigious school, but it's a place that I can see myself becoming a better person - and knowing that my family likes the decision too makes it all the better.  I can apply to the honors college too (and hopefully get in).  Also, one of them even messaged me and applauded my decision to go to UO instead of a UC.

I'm happy.
I'm happy :)
23rd-Apr-2012 03:02 pm(no subject)
illustration, girls, art, pretty

That's it that's it that's it.
I am never going to eat lunch with my friends again. My friend gave me his stupid food today. They were two peanut butter and jelly wrapped in tortillas. It's so fattening an sugary and I took it and ate it. I think they are starting to get suspicious because this weekend we all hung out and they went out to eat but I didn't get anything and we big out the day before and I didn't get anything that day either. my friend offered me food that day but I said no. So I felt like I had to eat it but I didn't want to. I feel sick and disgusted. I looked in the mirror and just stared at my giant stomach and all the fat enveloping my body. It's disgusting. I'm disgusting. Why did I eat that??

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

18th-Apr-2012 10:09 pm(no subject)
illustration, girls, art, pretty
*~omg~* my crush talked 2 me 2day an told me my shirt was kewt.
were totz gonna start dating soon.
omg i think im in luv. 
18th-Apr-2012 09:32 pm(no subject)
illustration, girls, art, pretty

It's not like I'm trying to be cynical...but...I'm not going to act all buddy buddy with the people in my Universities facebook page.
It's cool, we're getting to know other people, but I hate the explicit fakeness that goes on.
And people are already pretending they're best friends/friends with these people they don't know.  When it comes to seeing these people in classes or at school, guess what, you just made an yourself SOL because it turns out you really just don't like them at all. And now you have to pretend you do.

...That's what I'm getting at.  Okay.

Take for example:

"Hey, I'm from the Bay Area.  I want to major in biology"

Commentor's response:  Like, omg, no way, I'm from the Bay Area too!

My respnse: Really? So are 67 percent of the other people in this fucking group.  

I'm not trying to make judgements but people are being so fake.  Really, like, oh my god, you both are from the Bay Area, like bffs! Wait, you figured out that that person is needy, clingy, and insecure and you don't like them at all? Like omg, sucks for you.  

17th-Apr-2012 06:49 pm - Done.
illustration, girls, art, pretty

I'm at my tipping point.  I can't handle this anymore, I can't handle being forced to be "best friends" with people I don't even like.

...I'm short on time because I have to do homework.  But I'll be back to elaborate, I promise. 

Case in point: Out of these so called 13 "friends" I probably only like two of them, and for the most part like two others, find two mildly likeable and the rest I can't fucking stand.  

Why do I feel so trapped with people who are supposed make me feel comfortable and free? 

15th-Apr-2012 07:30 pm(no subject)
illustration, girls, art, pretty

Okay, and another thing.

I hate being hit on as well.  I don't want to jump into things and "hook up" all the time with people.  I just want to be friends with people, and if it develops into something more than that's great.  But I hate the whole let's start out with flirting thing.  

And I know that sounds hypocritical from having a prom date, but I would have really like to go with some dorky guy that would have just messed around and do stupid dance moves like the charleston or something - instead of this whole pressing dirty dancing thing going on.  

15th-Apr-2012 07:27 pm(no subject)
illustration, girls, art, pretty

My goal in college is to not be so shut off from other people.

Senior prom last night just made me realize how many opportunities I've missed by being that quiet girl in the corner.  I've always had opportunities to talk and interact with people but I'm so closed off. I mean, I have great friends that I am so open with and so comfortable around but there's so many other people other than my friends.

Like, I can pick out people I'd like to get to know better but I just inhibit that from going any further than a superficial relationship.  

I didn't get asked to prom at all, and I think that's why.  I just come off so aloof.  My economics teacher was talking about how there was this one girl in one of his classes that the boys loved to admire and talk about because she was so pretty, but no one had ever asked her out (I swear this story had a relationship to economics.  My teacher's not a pervy old man).  And I'm not saying that I'm that pretty, or whatever, I don't think you need to be pretty to get a date to prom, but guys like to be guaranteed that a girl is going to say yes.  

I'm just not a guarantee because I never let anyone know me.  

Sigh.  I don't really want a relationship - I just want to be friends with people that I find interesting.  
And it would have been cool to have a date to prom, but I didn't have anyone to ask (and of course no one would ask me) because, like I said, I'm so shut off.

So case in point, that's not happening in college.  Not at all. 

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